Thursday with Tears, Hope and Therapy

I hate where my current WIP is right now. I want to cry. I just can’t seem to get a handle on any of this right now. Nothing is going right. My internal dialogue is crummy. My characters are inconsistent. Three of my characters are BASICALLY THE SAME. The plots are spiraling out of control. I have no idea how I’m going to get from point A to point Z. I really wished I planned this out instead of pantsed it. I can look at a page and just not have a word to say.

I know that sounds super melodramatic, but I just wish it was better.

I love my story. When I started everything was going so well. The conflict was there. My characters’ voices were really pulling though. I would even cry in some of my scenes because I was even surprised what my characters decide.

Now I can’t find any of that.

I’m in The Middle. I’ve heard a ton of people talk about how horrible the middle is, but I didn’t really get it until right now.

I want to finish my story. I want to be proud of my story. I want to write something amazing.

I just can’t get myself to write this story.

There is another story that wants to push their way into my heart. I shouldn't say things like that right? I just can't help it.

It’s killing me inside since this new story is so heartbreaking. I haven’t even gotten inside my characters’ heads yet, but the premise already makes me want to cry (for them not because it sucks so much that even ice cream couldn't help me like my current WIP). My two MC’s motivations are so strong. It’s a harder book. There are a lot of sad things that happen, but I feel like it is a story that needs to be told. I once read that one day we are all going to die, and our ideas will die with us. We need to tell the stories that we need to tell before then. This is one of those stories.

Sounds pretty magical right? Finding the story that you think needs to be written, but it might just be another SNI. It seems like the brightest star in my mind, but the thing about stars is most of them are already burnt out.

I was read relationship advice saying

"If you can’t choose between two people, choose the second person because if you truly loved the first person you never would have noticed the second person."

I don’t think this applies to writers. We can’t always choose the second idea because there will always be that second idea. If we keep falling for the second idea, we will never write The Idea. The Idea is our writing soulmate.

In Natasha Bedingfield’s song Soulmate, she sings,

“Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line”

I think that’s the writer’s circle of life. We are all trying to find that perfect story. I mean look at all the published authors out there. They found their perfect story, but why can’t I?

My current WIP might be my writing soulmate. It might, or it might not. I need to finish it. I can NOT give up. I will not let myself even if it’s horrible. It is horrible, but it’s just the first draft. I think I’m gonna just take the week off from writing and just relax. I’ve set a word count for myself to make sure I actually write, but I think that’s been taking the adventure out of writing. The rest of the week will just be for me to get back on track (plan and stuff without the pressure of finishing my word count). Back to loving this idea 100% because love can make anything horrible turn into something amazing.

For now, I’m saving my SNI idea away and seeing how my current WIP turns out.

It might be The Idea.
It might be my writing soulmate.
It might.

I know this wasn’t advice or anything. This was kinda like my therapy to help me decide what to do, but I hope someone reads this and understands.

You will find The Idea.

I have no doubt.

Thursday Has a Lot of Silly Hopes

Some days I feel really silly thinking I'm a writer. I've read a ton of authors in their 30s talking about how silly their writing was when they were a teenager which feels like a punch in the gut to me.

I know with time I'll probably learn new tricks to make my writing amazing, but I can't imagine thinking my writing now is silly. I might be silly, but I don't know if I could think that about my writing.

My current WIP is so close to my heart right now. I've never had an idea that I cared about this much. I feel like one of those people who loves a different person every week since I can never stick with an idea, but this idea hasn't been able to let me go. It's grown on me in such a way that it's part of what makes me who I am.

Maybe one day, I'll look back and think it’s silly, but I really hope not.

I hope in 10, 20 maybe even 50 years from now I can look back and remember how amazing I felt writing this story. I hope I don't think it's silly.

I know when those more experienced authors say they thought their old work was silly, they are talking about their skills, but I can't imagine a day where I find my writing, even my skills, is silly. I can't imagine looking at my current WIP and thinking how bad it is.

Maybe I'm silly for thinking in the future I'll still feel the same about my writing and not think "was I on drugs when I wrote this? This is terrible!" I feel silly thinking that because of course over time my writing will get better, but today it's as good as it can be. I hope future me won't feel silly or ashamed of my WIP because that breaks present me's heart.

I know this isn’t a helpful tip or thought provoking, but I just want someone so read this and feel less alone. Even in a world with 7,036,722,861 people, it's so easy to feel alone. That's what so great about the writing community. Everyone is so supportive and just get it. I hope I can be that for someone. I hope someone out there is reading this and feels better knowing they aren't alone. I know I felt alone in the beginning. I felt my writing was silly. I didn't have confidence. I hated posting or commenting because I just felt silly. It took me awhile to realize there are people out there who felt the same way. I still feel silly some days like today, but I'm connected to so many amazing people by our love just to write. It's such a great feeling knowing you are connected with such amazing people in such an amazing way.

It makes me so happy knowing that all of y'all took time out of your day to read my posts. Even of you think I'm silly, I hope there is one person who reads this and feels less alone.

I hope some of y'all send in a post to join YaLit Six. Even if you feel silly doing it, you never know whose life you'll change with the words you have to say. My life has changed so much because of people who just wrote little things on their blog. I hope one day I'll be able to thank them, but today I wanna thank y'all just for reading what I have to say and making me feel less silly.

Remember you aren't alone in this. There are so many people out there willing to be there for you. Please leave a comment of something if you ever need to talk about your worries or anything. We are all connected by our love of writing.

I hope that never changes.