Thursday, May 17, 2012

Thursday Doesn't Talk About It

So over the weekend, I found out that my mom found my writing journal. It was a weird experience because she doesn't know I write.

I don't tell people I'm a writer. Nobody really knows. I think a lot of people kinda suspect, but I'm not like "hi I'm a writer let's be friends." I'm not ashamed or don't trust my mom and family/ friends. It's actually the opposite. I know a lot of super supportive people, and I just don't want the expectation people put on me once they find out.

I know having people know you write can be a great motivation like your own personal cheerleader, but I never felt that way.
I felt like if I didn't have something amazing written, I was letting them down. I felt like everyone expected my to automatically be like J.K. Rowling on the first draft. I felt like people expect me to be more than I am.

Maybe it's because I don't know where I stand in the writing world. I don't know if I want to an author when I grow up. I'm still a teenager, and I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I started "seriously" writing 2 years ago. I can't imagine a future where I don't feel the itch to escape into my characters' worlds. I think I'll always write, but I don't know if I'll ever publish or make writing into a real thing. Sure I might try to publish if I felt what I wrote would be something I loved, but that's not my ultimate goal.

Alysha Speer said,
“I choose to write because it’s perfect for me. It’s an escape, a place I can go to hide. It’s a friend, when I feel outcasted from everyone else. It’s a journal, when the only story I can tell is my own. It’s a book, when I need to be somewhere else. It’s control, when I feel so out of control. It’s healing, when everything seems pretty messed up. And it’s fun, when life is just flat-out boring."

That's how I feel. I write because I love it not because I want to famous and amazing like J.K. Rowling (though I wouldn't exactly complain).

I feel like if I told people I write that I would be giving up that secret world of mine. People would ask me to make them into characters, want to read my not-so-amazing stories or just ruin my perfect bubble of writing. I'm afraid of losing my love for writing. I think people pressuring me to write would cause writing to be a chore not an escape.

I want to stay in my writing bubble.

Maybe you tell everyone that you're a writer, and your writing is better than ever. I just don't think it's for me. Maybe one day I'll tell everyone, but for now I want to write just to write.

Do people know you're a writer? How do you feel about telling people you are a writer? What are your fears as a writer?